This blog is meant to serve as a platform to open conversation about growth and give a glimpse into my life.

feeling numb. feeling dumb. feeling awake.

May 16, 2017

Rise and shine 

Sweet blood of mine 

For with the sun 

Does power refine 

 

But if, by chance, 

the power run still 

dear blood of mine  

forgive the pill 

 

 

I haven’t spoken about this publicly because I really do feel that some things should remain extremely private; however, I think the side effects of this should be shared and heard.

 

I recently ended the relationship with the man I was in love with due to my lack of decision making and the distance. It didn’t end badly or with anger, but rather quite calmly — which, to be frank, was more painful. I have spent the past few weeks in and out of slumps of depression (as life typically goes) and have been focusing my attention on the betterment of myself, which leads me to the topic at hand.

 

Had this occurred a year ago or two, I would have crumbled into self doubt and anger and then covered it up with massive amounts of dopamine through random sex. I am not a sex addict, but I am addicted to love and the attention therewithin. (I am actively working on this; and I hope that if you, too, have this problem, you can find help where you need to.) This time, things were different for me because I am not who I was a year or two ago. 

 

Here is what I have learned...

 

Allow yourself to feel numb. Think of all the great times, miss their smell, miss the hand, miss the talk. Feel it all, and do not cover it up with other dopamine rushes or medications or alcohol. Then, when the time is right, feel dumb. See why it fucked up — maybe it wasn't your fault, but you avoided the signs. Evaluate and examine everything so that you can learn and, in the future, prevent it. Then, when you’ve cried every tear and felt every feeling, you can finally begin to wake up. This awakening is INCREDIBLE because once it happens, you have gathered all of the knowledge of how you need to better yourself for the future. Take that knowledge and begin the journey forward! Onward. 

 

We never know what the future will hold and, to be honest, that is exciting. All you need to know is that today, and every day, you are your own prince or princess charming. Be the champion for yourself; and when someone is ready and able to join you on that journey, if ever, you will be ready to let them. 

 

Love and light,

Tayte

 

 

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